Maybe it’ll lead me here :)

by

Dear Readers,

Ironically as soon as I hit post, just then, WordPress gave me this quote:

“Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.” -Carol Burnettact

And that’s how I know I’m a writer. I tend to forget, my studying to be a nurse and all. But I am a writer. That’s pure and simple fact, and it’s something I shouldn’t ignore. I’ve just been really focused on my future profession lately.

I love nursing. I love the idea of helping others and despite the fact that I could do this in so many other ways, I actually would rather study nursing all the way to becoming a nurse practitioner. So that’s the paying job of my dreams.

However, every moment I let myself sit and daydream, well I imagine what it would feel like to hold a book. A book with my name on it, on the part of the cover that names the author. And then I get this crazy little rush, and I usually have to hold back a giddy little giggle. That would be amazing.

Although I can never see myself as someone who only writes, I can’t see myself as someone who doesn’t ever write. Maybe one day I will articles for Nursing Journals (since I’m studying I realise that, conveniently, there are frustratingly few journal articles that suit whatever topic I have to write my assignments on), or maybe one day I will finish one of the many fiction novels I’ve started. Either way I never want to let go of writing :)

Now I’ve got this giddy feeling from thinking about my future, which I don’t get too often, so I might use it while I work on one of my old WIP :)

I don’t like posting too often in one day, but I feel like I had to add this…

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

I have no idea where this came from…

by

If your a writer, you’ll know that sometimes you just have to write. You get the itch, and you scratch it.

Well, I got that itch, but I was surprised with what I came up with. I feel like I have to mention that I’m the happiest I have been in a long time. Everything is looking up for me right now, and I mean literally everything. But my inner muse must be having a bad day because, well, this is what I came up with:

I look up at the stars, in all their beauty, and they haunt me. I feel so small.

The night is when you’re really alone. Everyone else seems to be at peace, sleeping. But not you.
The night is when even the silence is deafeningly loud.
The night, well, is where the nightmares live and breathe and run free.

I notice that I’ve stopped crying, and I just sit there letting my face dry. Dry isn’t really the right word; my face tingles and the tears are no longer streaming, but they still linger.

It’s strange how accustomed you get to the hours of the night. How you can eventually tell the subtle differences between 2 or 3, or 4, in the morning. By now it must be at least 5; because I have nothing left but to give up and let the numbness take over.

***

An hour.
That’s as long as I can last with my dreams. It’s the most amount of time I can spend asleep, before it all gets to be too much. And by now it’s early enough for me to ‘start’ my day.

I can shower and wash away this wretched feeling. Wash away the layer of sweat that the demons covered me in. Wipe the slate clean for another day.

I can hardly remember what it was like before all of this started. Back when anything less than nine hours of sleep was torture. Now I shudder at the thought of sleeping, of battling, for so long.

I continue with my routine, getting dressed, packing my books for school and plastering on a nice fake smile before I make my way downstairs. It’s time for breakfast. However, food may as well all be made of cardboard. No matter what, it always seems to taste the same to me; stale and dry. Why would I want to eat anything at all?

It would break my mother’s heart if she didn’t see me smile and eat my breakfast every morning. And she certainly does not deserve to feel pain, no one does. So I serve myself, well to be honest I have no idea what I’m serving myself, but it’s food that’s supposed to be good for me, and I don’t really care. As long as someone else is happy.

And as long as nobody notices that I feel dead on the inside.

***

School is difficult.
Not literally because people leave me alone and I’m about 6 weeks ahead of the rest of my class in terms of schoolwork. But it’s difficult because it feels worse than the night does. Everyone is talking and I know that it should be loud, but it feels so quiet. And so… lonely.

Have you ever stood in a crowd and felt like you were the only one there? That’s how I feel, all the time. All. The. Time.

The worst part is that I don’t know why.

I don’t know why the demons choose to haunt me. I don’t know why I can’t feel happy. Or even really sad any more. I just feel numb. Why? … Why?

It doesn’t feel like something I wrote. Has this ever happened to you? It felt wrong to just delete it, but I don’t really want to keep it. I know I haven’t posted in a little while. Maybe I’ve been neglecting my inner muse too much? I don’t know. But I feel odd about this piece…

I hope you’re all well. I’m not sure what I’m going to do now, but I’ll write again soon.

Written with, well, I’m not sure what…
Mandii xoxo

Why Do People Fight?

by

Dear Readers,

I’m still trying to ease back into blogging after my extended hiatus, and well I’ve realized that the best way to get back into writing is by reading.

Why Do People Fight?.

I just had to re-blog this post, written by Legend of Pi – couldn’t agree more!

I’m on a bit of a reading binge at the moment, so keep an eye on my blogroll as it will likely be growing – I love finding more amazing writers :)

I only have time for a quick post, and so I hope you’re all well. Take care!!

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

Quick fix

by

Dear Readers,

There’s a post I want to write, but every time I start it I just think I won’t be able to finish in one hit – which stops me from writing anything.

In other words, I’m procrastinating. But from something I want to do. Which is silly, but I’m a little too tired to let logic win here.

So, instead here I am, giving my hunger to write a quick snack. The only thing I really want to mention is that I’ve been tweaking the blog. And by tweaking I mean completely changing the theme, and layout. Which I’m a lot happier with, especially since the new header is a photo I took of one of the most beautifully fragile creatures I’ve ever seen (thanks to my boyfriend for having pointed him/her out). The picture I had before wasn’t actually mine, however this one is, and, wel,l I was amazed when I uploaded the photo from my phone as to just how much of this butterfly’s soul you can really see :)

Okay so maybe that’s just me, but working with the four hours sleep I’ve had, it makes me happy..

Is there anything you’re procrastinating from right now?

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” -William James

I’m off to bed because I’m exhausted, and I’m I’m donating blood in the morning :)
Take care!!

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

*I wrote this last night & then my internet decided to stop working on me so I couldn’t post it..*

429.

by

Dear Readers,

I’m not sure where to start. I’m also not sure how long, or really how, this is going to go. Please, bare with me though?

Why did I disappear for so long? I honestly have no idea. Why am I up and writing this post at 1.39AM? I’m yet to figure that out.

I think there’s a bit too much to write, at least that’s my excuse as to why I’ve started, and scratched, my ‘return’ post so many times…

And now I’m rambling…

Life got busy. Uni got more serious, I got a job (two actually), and suddenly I didn’t know if it was Tuesday or Thursday and then somehow March disappeared and it was April, and now May is scarily close!! I think I need to hit pause on life to be able to really stop and take note of it all. And well, there’s no pause button on life. But it has slowed down over the Easter break and my week off from Uni. Actually tonight it’s going a bit too slow, and I can’t seem to get to sleep; perfect conditions for a post.

Did I mention I miss you? Literally, I miss everything about this.

Firstly, my aunt finished her treatment!! It was a long 30 sessions, and I must admit I did not end up going to as many as I would have liked. It was not that I wasn’t free or I didn’t want to go, I just wasn’t needed. It was a tough few weeks – and the whole family felt it. But it’s over and my Aunt, although missing a bit of hair and constantly tired, is in relatively good shape. She’s stubborn like that. We’ll know if it worked in about two months, so fingers crossed.

Family life has been pretty good, which is always nice :)

I’m still madly in love. I feel like I should mention that because I still have to pinch myself to make sure it’s not a dream. And sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me that it’s going to take work to, well, keep things running so smoothly. But I’m in it for the long run :)

Those jobs I mentioned earlier? I had a temporary job (which might get me more work in the future), which was actually my first ever paid employment, involved scanning files for a medical practice. Repetitive, but interesting, I actually enjoyed it, and so did my bank account ;) I also got work at my Uni, where I’m yet to have had a shift but I enjoyed the training :)

These past few weeks have also seen quite a few birthdays, which means I have seen my high-school friends every Saturday for the three of the last four Saturdays – great start to every weekend! Happy birthday to all my girls :) and also a big happy birthday to my man, we’re both now nineteen :D

Nineteen. I prefer to see it spelt than to write 19, it just looks better. But it stills sounds the same; odd. I definitely feel odd when I say “I’m nineteen”. It sounds like I should be older, and then I think about it and realize I’m almost half way through my second year of Uni, and I’m actually growing up fast…

I have placement soon, and I’m nervous because I will be spending 5 weeks working as a nurse, and well that’s just as exciting as it is scary. It’s actually placement for two different subjects; community and mental health nursing. Community is only a week, and mental health is an entire month. I just hope I’m ready by the time I need to be.

I think I’m actually starting to feel sleepy, which is a relief because it’s just after 2..

If you’ve read this far, thank you. And I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I honestly can’t wait to go catch up on everything I’ve missed around here on WordPress. Hugs and much love to you all :)

I’ll leave you with a little something I just stumbled upon:

“During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. “Absolutely,” the professor said. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello.” I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.” -Joann C. Jones

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

We both break from our usual posts…

by

We break from our usual maths….

***

Dear Readers,

I was quickly in tears from this;

It horrified me that this can happen in this day and age, and that there can still be people like Joseph Kony. Please help spread the message from the campaign to bring peace and stop him. It’s a long video, but it’s worth watching every second.

No-one deserves to live in a world where this happens, ever.

I urge you, please tell everyone you know. This has to end.

Written with peace in mind,
Mandii xoxo

Fireworks, family, and other fun <3

by

Dear Readers,

I’m terribly sorry for not posting over the weekend, but it was a great one. First things first – photo challenge photos;

20120305-190555.jpg

3. Typography (or at least my attempt)

20120305-190540.jpg

4. Blast from the Past

20120305-190545.jpg

5. Street

I have been tweeting them via Instagram, and I will keep posting them but if anyone has been reading this blog for long they’ll realise I’m a bit hopeless when it come to posting daily. However, I’m determined to finish this challenge, and I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

I started Uni today, and I’m officially a second year Uni student. It feel so strange to type that. I can’t really believe it. However I was sitting across from a first year today (she had her lecture notes printed out and was actually reading through them, for what seemed like the billionth time, and then she was fixing up her timetable). She gave me a funny look as I did my make-up on the train (to be fair I was using my phone camera as a mirror while I applied my mascara), and then seemed to note my oversized backpack, overall giving me a judgemental/sceptical look that screamed ‘How can you so unprepared?!’. Okay so maybe she didn’t really pay me much attention, but when I take public transport alone I tend to over exaggerate everything in my head. I actually end up day dreaming a lot. I could write soooooo many stories just from that… Back to my point though, I used to be as organised as that girl, that’s why I got such a big backpack for Uni in the first place. I still do carry almost everything I could possibly need (I found a goldmine of forgotten make-up, which is why I was fixing myself up on the train, or else I probably would have rocked my usual zombie look), actually a lot of the reason I have a big bag is for the sake of all the food I take to Uni, that and the textbooks for nursing are rather large (especially those that involve pharmacology or anatomy and physiology).

I think I’ve gone off on a tangent, and I may have lost the point of this post. But as I told my sister it has been three whole days since I posted. That and I spent a little too much time by myself today (another reason I’m not a fan of public transport), so I have this pent-up urge to talk to people, (thankfully my sister is in the mood to chat :D ), which translates into a lot of inner monologue. Literally when I’m on the train I start narrating things in my head, probably another reason as to why I’m meant to write. So if you’ve made it to this point, thank you for bearing with my.

Before I end this post though I should explain the title; on Saturday my cousins and I went to see some fireworks :) It was a surprisingly long and beautiful display. It was really like glitter was raining from the sky, and was well worth actually being rained on. I managed to get a video of it (although consider yourself warned, it is about 13 minutes long), and I thought I’d share it so here it is :)

Here’s hoping you had an enjoyable weekend too, take care and I’ll write again soon! :D

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

17 things

by

Dear Readers,

With the help of a few billions hugs, a lot of love, and a few less unknowns, yesterday was actually easier. I’m still a bit of a mess, but I’m inspired.

This is me, with 17 things;

20120302-183732.jpg
  • hope
  • glitter
  • a reason to smile
  • love for my family
  • resolve
  • signs of insomnia
  • dried up tears
  • pink
  • inspiration
  • muppets nail polish
  • peace
  • sparkle
  • hearts
  • craft skills learnt in childhood
  • glue
  • my door
  • my comfiest blue top

Technically not all 17 things that you can see, but 17 none the less.

I’m all cried out, and I’m feeling ok about going to the third treatment today. It’s not me who’s getting the treatment, but I feel just as scared for her, and I feel just as anxious, and I hate the disease just as much. I’m determined to be there for her, and I love her so much. There are just so many strong emotions competing with each other right now. I guess that’s how I ended up with that list.

Two for two so far, I’d call that a good start :) Here’s hoping you’re all well, and I’ll be posting again tomorrow :D

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo

Challenging myself

by

Dear Readers,

Last month I tried setting myself goals, this month I want to try something different; a photo challenge.

I love writing, but photography does sound interesting. I like trying new things, and well it’s a new month. I found a challenge here and it should also give me another incentive to post here daily :)

And so, here’s my first photo:

It was inspired by the fact that life is unpredictable, and I wanted something different. I know that my month will be full, but I can’t fill it on here yet. I do however have some sort of idea where I’ll be spending my time, and marked days with things like uni or birthdays in my own way :)

Do you have a plan/goal for the month? If so, let me know, and good luck!! Also, take care and I’ll be back tomorrow with the next photo :)

Written with love,
Mandii xoxo